Mums are flawed creatures. We see faults most clearly with those we live most closely. Yet, we are encouraged by both scripture and secular society to love and celebrate Mothers, for they are marvellous.
As a small child, it’s normal to think that your family is, well, normal. You love your family unit because you can’t help it. Because they first loved us. Attachment leads to affection which leads to love. Mum is your superhero – she considers your artwork genius, knows just how you like your lunchbox, and is the perfect lap to cry on.
As your world grows to encompass school friends and neighbours, play-dates and sleepovers, you begin to realise that other households do things differently. Different numbers of siblings or parents, different behavioural expectations, different smells (yes, smells. Do you remember houses having different smells? Not bad, just different). And as we see different behaviour in other Mums, we re-evaluate our own in light of that. Some things remain great. Some, while still normal for you, are less than ideal. It might be the way she folds t-shirts, or doesn’t enjoy cooking, or lets your little sister get away with murder. “If she changed the way she did those things, she’d be a ‘better’ mum.” Perhaps her failings might be a tendency to criticise others, to gossip, to turn a blind eye when it shouldn’t be turned. The closer we get to other families, like with a best friend or a serious dating relationship, the more astute our observations can become.
The Bible abounds in examples of motherhood, both great and awful. The good ones we hear about often: Eve, Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, Rebekah, Elizabeth, Mary, Naomi. They are the women we name our daughters for. But what about Athaliah and Herodias (murderers), Jezebel and Maacah (idolaters), not to mention Lot’s salty wife, and his daughters who went on to become mothers by him through their own deception.
So we keep these examples of female behaviour in our minds, for when we require them. In ourselves, or in a spouse. We aim to replicate the good of our own examples and improve on the not so good.
Where does this leave our own Mum? What then do we do with this woman who was the epitome of childish perfection, and whom we still love? In fact, It’s not even her fault that she’s not the same as she once was. It’s us who have changed, who have stretched our boundaries of understanding, who have this burden of knowledge and opinion. Which leaves us a choice to make. Forgive. Or resent.
For some, the decision is so easy they never even remember making it. She’s Mum. And so they pass through that invisible barrier from blind adoration to mature affection like snapping their fingers. Perhaps she quietly notices the change, perhaps not.
For others it may be a period of evaluation, acknowledging the teaching of scripture to “Honour your father and mother” (Ex 20:12, Eph 6:2), wrestling with the hurts she has caused, intentional or not. Weeks, or even years go by, while maintaining a cordial, genial relationship. You might be such a good actor that she doesn’t even know you’re wrestling. Having your own children can encourage a resolution, along with a maturing Pre-frontal cortex (usually around age 28).
Then there are those who find they cannot, will not, forgive their Mother for being imperfect. The reasons for this are myriad, and may involve direct sinful behaviour on Mum’s part, or simply behaviour which a child considers so unacceptably bad they will not allow the relationship to continue. That’s not an easy place to come to.
As an adult, we have Mums in our lives that we know from a different perspective. If we aren’t one ourselves, it’s likely we still share a home with one, but as a spouse. They’re also our peers and colleagues at the very least, not to mention sisters in Christ. As the relationship we have with Mums changes from a position of child-like obedience to a position of mutual maturity, so our understanding changes again. There are still faults to be seen, but we’re a little less objective. Remember 1 Peter 4:8 “Love covers over a multitude of sins”? Be on your guard that love won’t ‘overlook a multitude of sins’ too. It’s so easy for us to make excuses when it comes to personal holiness, in ourselves or others: “I’m SO tired because I have small children”; “We’re already committed in other community activities”; “She’s a good person, it’s her business what she does with her ‘me’ time”.
It’s up to each of us to encourage the Mums in our community to be loving Jesus foremost. That’s what will make them the best Mother they can be. It’s more important than kids. It’s more important than husbands. Be wise in how you have those conversations with them, as is fitting to your relationship. Advice is not always taken in the spirit which it is given. But be prepared to have them just the same. We Mums know we’re not perfect, though hearing it from someone else can be hard to swallow.
This Mothers’ Day, please pray.
Thank God for your mum. Whether she’s around, or not. She may have passed away.
Pray for the Mums who have broken relationships with their kids. No matter whose ‘fault’ it was, their hearts hurt.
Pray for the Mums who have little ones. They’re working hard to keep going.
Pray for the Mums who have adult children. For mutual love and respect while allowing a difference of opinion.
Pray for the Mums who have said farewells to children through death or surrender.
We could all do with God’s help to forgive and love our Mums more. The parent Mum, the spouse Mum, the friend Mum. Love them by desiring their sanctification more than their mothering qualities. Both are good, but one is best.